Truth be told, I've kept this pretty private because writing it was very personal and cathartic. My life can be a bit visceral at times but it's real and It's all mine.
This isn't for Gary, this is for THE LISTENER, THE WEB TROLLS, THE WORK-TIME WASTERS, THE GUY ON THE TREADMILL at the gym who just picked the perfect elliptical machine, strategically placed right behind the ladies from the 3 O'clock Zumba class that just got out (guys know, timing is everything) THIS IS FOR THE ZUMBA CLASS AS WELL...
There's some swearing you guys, so don't let it ruin your day and I hope you enjoy it...
The prop beat through the clouds and spit moisture onto the window of the cramped seat… we were still climbing and the gray skies below made way for a fluffy bed of yellow... then white. The kind of thing you’d picture heaven would look like.
Looking out the window I wondered about my whole "deal" with that heaven stuff. I guess I’ve always thought of myself as unworthy. Not because I’d thought I deserved Hell (or whatever it is?) I guess I’ve just felt like that kind of stuff was for other people, people who really needed it.
Don't get me wrong, I've rolled around a motel room floor in a diaper, talking to god, swinging deals, offering promises, and seeing the walls breathe coming off a binge... but I was clutching a Gideon and begging... it seemed like the thing to do at the time...
We leveled out and the sun was really bright, even with my sunglasses.
I closed my eyes and remembered that time back in Highschool, in my parents basement, flopped on top of that chubby public school girl.
She was pasty and heavy but not fat, the kind of body that if you looked back on now, you’d think of her as a perfectly attractive, well adjusted 17 year old. But at the time, to me, she was heavy. (The irony bucket that's filled with my life is brimming with hypocrisy trust me)
The thing I remember most was the way her legs clicked at the hips. I wasn't very good at this stuff yet either but I knew something was messed up... THEY JUST LOCKED UP!
Right there next to her ears! I pulled back in horror...
The look of pure terror in her eyes made me think I'd killed her. Her hips locked up man... what can I say? It was like one of those folding sun-chairs, you know, like the old ones, with the heavy multicolored plastic and metal finger traps everywhere?
Dare I push them back further to see if they'll snap back like the chairs do?
Sparing her my chair metaphor, I suggested we try that move, she half-smiled and nodded in agreement.
I stepped forward, she was really locked...and really naked, YUP, this had to be a pretty precarious position for her. Being the people pleaser I was eager to console her with humor but for some reason I was at a loss for the funny.
She’d was lying there like a inverted turtle, completely helpless and exposed when MY MOM yelled from the top of the stairs “Honey…! Come introduce us to your friend…!”
I can only imagine what the girl was thinking… I call her "the girl" because I have no idea what her name was.
If my mother had come downstairs to say hello it would have been a horror show. “I’ll be up in a minute mom…!” “Okay sweetie…!” she’d say, As long as I was under her roof it really didn’t matter what i was doing…
One more big push and I heard the last click followed by the satisfaction of her legs springing back towards me at high speed.
Calling it a night I pulled up my pants and suggested she do the same.
Turbulence brings me back to reality... It seems like my life has been riddled with situations like that, be it an over-driven curiosity or just lack of direction...or both.
My “experimental” and “learning” moments always seemed to be different than my peers, or, so I’d thought. Like the time when my friend Tom decided to fuck his own fist in front of me, kneeling over a pillow from his bed covered by a towel. He was like a scientist who'd just discovered a new planet.
What was he doing? The learning curve on my end was always a little bit skewed but that's how I heard about masturbation, very subtle right? Subtlety doesn't show it's face very much around here.
I’d learn about life and all it’s wonders in good time but it just seemed like I’d either fall on them from a 10 story window or they’d hit me like a speeding train… Was this how it was suppose to happen?
To be continued.... Quinn